Whether you’re looking for a caption to put in your Instagram photo or just looking for something to laugh about, you just landed on the right page. This is our Funny Instagram Captions compilation that you can use on your photos (and selfies!)
In this guide, we give you a long list of captions and quotes you choose from. Feel free to copy-and-paste the captions and have your photo posted in no time.
for We even categorized the items for you to get to what you want in just one click.
And for more exciting captions and quotes, here are more links to check:
Planning to post couple selfies? Or maybe a funny moment with your loved one? You got a long list of funny couple quotes you can pair with your photo. Check them out, choose one, and have that photo shared with the world.
I love you with all my belly. I would say heart, but my belly is bigger.
Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along!
Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when I’m with you!
Every day I fall in love with you more and more. Except for yesterday… yesterday you were pretty annoying.
You’re just like bacon, beer, and chocolate – you make everything better.
You add meaning to my life and yet, you subtract some cash from my wallet.
“What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” – Cindy Garner
I love you so much I’d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu. But a carebear, I’d definitely fight a carebear for you.
Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to “Unstable”.
He stole my heart so I’m planning revenge… I am going to take his last name.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six-hour argument takes talent.
Sometimes I look at my boyfriend and think… Damn, he is one lucky man.
I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin ME.
Relationships are like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.
“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
Good thing I brought my library card because I’m totally checking you out.
“People should fall in love with their eyes closed.” – Andy Warhol
“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” – Jackie Mason
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
2. Cute captions for your photos
Aside from posting personal photos, Instagram also gets flooded with cute photos. Of course, to make those photos cuter…. you should find a cute caption to go with it!
Check out these funny captions below and you might just get the perfect match for your cute photo.
Sure, I do marathons. On Netflix.
What do you call a snowman in the summer? A puddle.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”, so I said “Scissors, I win!” and drove off.
Boys/ Girls are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken.
I put the “Pro” in procrastination.
Dear sleep: thanks for trying, but you can’t beat surfing the net.
You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.
I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation…twice a year
Even I don’t believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in five minutes.
I’m not crazy I prefer the term mentally hilarious.
My hairstyle is called “I Tried”.
You never know what you have until you have cleaned your house.
I don’t always make sense, but when I do, I don’t.
Whenever I have a problem, I sing. Then I realize my voice is worse than my problem
If there would be an award for being lazy, I would send someone to pick it up for me.
I don’t care what people think of me. Mosquitos find me attractive!
My craziness is not everyone’s cup of tea
I just wanna spend the rest of my life laughing.
My prince is not coming on a white horse… he’s obviously riding a turtle somewhere, really confused.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously, a girl because it won’t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
Lies I tell myself: Just one more cookie. Just one more movie. Just one more minute. Yet… I wouldn’t call them lies!
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they will start using it.
Normal? Normal is only the people you do not know well enough.
The hardest thing I ever tried was being normal.
My mother told me not to talk to strangers. I never talk to myself anymore.
Need an ark? I Noah guy.
Reality called, so I hung up.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Sorry, I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
Sure, I do marathons. On Netflix.
They say don’t try this at home…so I went to my friend’s home!
Weekend, please don’t leave me.
That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s and you can’t do it.
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
The ugly selfie you deleted is the real you. Accept it!
When nothing goes right, go left instead!
Zombies are real, just come to my college/school.
Everybody loves food and as they all say, “food is life”. No wonder this is also one of the leading categories in Instagram. Too popular that it has become very common to take a photo of the meal first, then eat.
Find plenty of funny food captions you can use below.
Carbs are the answer. No matter the question.
An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
Clean eating journal. Day 1: I am a goddess and my body is a temple. Day 3: Well, that was fun.
“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces.” – Judith Viorst
Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.
The best things in life are free*. (*Does not apply to pizza.)
Fun size is for quitters.
The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.
I’ve forgotten a lot of things in life. A meal has never been one of them.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Things worth having are worth waiting for.” – Me, preheating the oven.
Diet tip: Don’t.
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
When in Rome, eat your weight in gelato.
Love is an open door…to a really good bakery.
All you need is lunch.
It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate – you know someone’s fingers have been all over it.
Lifehack #321: Keep cake fresh by eating it in one sitting.
I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.
“We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.” – Alfred E. Newman
Food always comes to those who love to cook.
I love calories. They are dаmn tasty.
“Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.” — Jay Leno
No man is an island. And that’s where our friends come in. Someone to go crazy with, someone to laugh with, and someone to go adventures with. Friends are family and friends are forever. So post that picture with your friends and get a wonderful caption on the list below.
Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.
If I send you my ugly selfies, our friendship is real.
We’ve been friends for so long I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.
It’s hard to find a friend who’s cute, loving, generous, caring, and smart. My advice to y’all is, don’t lose me.
Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.
I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.
Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.
I’d take a nerf bullet for you.
“Friendship is about finding people who are your kind of crazy.“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.” – Robert Brault
“There is nothing better than a friend unless it is a friend with chocolate.” -Linda Grayson
“Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling inside.” – Robert Bloch
This is by far your worst idea ever… I’ll be there in 15 minutes.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.” – Mark Twain
Never let your best friends get lonely… keep disturbing them.
Friends are therapists you can drink with.
You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.
5. From Movies
Do you ever watch a movie so many times that you already know the lines? Or maybe you liked it so much that yo never forgotten it? And it could also be that you can relate so much with the movie line you tend to memorize it by heart.
Well, here’s a compilation of lines from movies you might use on your Instagram caption.
“I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.” – The Devil Wears Prada
“‘Greater good?’ I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you’re ever gonna get!” – The Incredibles
“It’s not a man-purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.” – The Hangover
“She doesn’t even go here!” – Mean Girls
“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do somethin’ like this — and totally redeem yourself! Ha Ha!” – Dumb & Dumber
“I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?” – Meet the Parents
“Ogres are like onions.” – Shrek
“Put some Windex on it.” – My Big Fat Greek Wedding
“I wanna rob.” – The Bling Ring
“You’re putting the pussy on a pedestal.” – The 40-Year-Old Virgin
“We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.” – Best in Show
“For a guy with a four-digit IQ, I must have missed something.” – Limitless
“It’s like I have ESPN or something.” – Mean Girls
“I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.” – The Departed
“Look at my shit.” – Spring Breakers
“You had my curiosity. But now you have my attention.” – Django Unchained
“Girl, you can’t get no infection in your booty hole! It’s a booty hole!” – Girls Trip
“I’m glad he’s single because I’m going to climb that like a tree.” – Bridesmaids
“Honey? Where’s my super suit?” – The Incredibles
“Are you not entertained?” – Gladiator
“I’m a fiend for mojitos.” – Miami Vice
“King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” – Training Day
“Don’t you find it a little bit (of a) coincidence that the body fell perfectly within the chalk outline on the floor?”
– “I think they drew the chalk outline later.”
The Pink Panther
“Marriage is like an unfunny tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” – Knocked Up
A quote for the usual days and common events or situations. Your to-go-to section for your usual posts and your funny Instagram captions. Check the list below.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit.
I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
You made me laugh so hard tears ran down my legs.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
Nothing is lost until your mother can’t find it.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re probably drunk.
Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.
Please God, if you can’t make me thin, make my friends fat.
This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
The best thing to do first thing in the morning is to go right back to sleep.
A good place to put inspirational quotes is up to your ass.
Hold on, let me overthink about it.
What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? – Retired
You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
I don’t mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and then after that still please don’t talk to me.
People who say they’ll give 110% don’t understand how percentages work.
Shutting the fuck up is gluten-free. Add that to your diet.
Eat like no one is going to see you naked.
1. Go to the gym.
2. Take 500 pictures.
3. Post a different one every day.
4. Never go to the gym again.
The hardest thing being single is finding a reason to shower.
I may be an asshole but at least I know the difference between you and you’re.
Before you judge me, try walking a mile in my shoes so you can see how little I care and how good it feels to be a mile away from you.
Enjoy the good times because something terrible is probably about to happen.
It’s never too early to go back to bed.
Nobody gives a shit about what you ate for lunch.
Monday hates you too.
Some of my best friends are carbs.
A fun thing to do in the morning is not to talk to me.
No one will ever be there in “two minutes”
If you set impossible goals you’ll never be disappointed when you fail.
My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes.
I don’t have gray hair, I have wisdom-highlights.
Let’s admit it, men do pose a lot on Instagram and they also rock it. Here are very manly and funny Instagram captions to go around your photos.
The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he’s lost?
How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.
I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.
“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.” – Lily Tomlin
There are three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: “Hold my purse.”
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked. – Jerry Seinfeld
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass. – Rodney Dangerfield
The reason women will never be the ones to propose is that as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping. Men will be men.
Kiss me if I’m wrong but dinosaurs still exist right?
I don’t think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women. – Louis C.K.
I’m a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time? – Will Smith
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract!
You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!!! – Bill Maher
Husbands are like fine wine. They take time to mature. – Letters to Juliet, the movie.
While creating men, God promised women that a good and ideal man would be found in all corners of the world, then He made the earth round.
We can train a monkey to fly a jet but we can’t train a man to be humble.
Women fake orgasms and men fake finances. – Suze Orman
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. – Rita Rudner
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. – Rita Rudner
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women. – Groucho Marx
All men are dogs, the difference is the barking rate!
If human beings originated from monkeys, why do men act like dogs???
Don’t expect a woman that has no money to think negatively and never expect a man loaded with cash to think positively.
When a woman wants a man’s opinion… She gives it to him.
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house!
One day a man asked a genie to make him smarter than any other man on earth. The genie turned him into a woman.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, every Saturday he and his friends will load up beer and go fishing.
Don’t trust a man who offers you the moon and the stars… Cause God knows his arms can’t reach that far.
The ideal man goes home early, doesn’t flirt, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble, and doesn’t exist.
There are three types of men in the world.
Men that are dominated by women and know it.
Men that are dominated by women and don’t know it.
There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy…like nailing jelly to a tree for example.
The only difference between men and boys is the size of their shoes and the price of their toys.
God made men because every good thing needs a blueprint.
One thing all men need to know: It’s cheaper to keep her.
MEN ARE LIKE BUSES… IF YOU MISS ONE ANOTHER ONE WILL BE COMING IN 5 MINUTES.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men. The richer the better!
So many men so little aspirin.
Aside from movie lines, we also relate to music. Lyrics we like and lyrics that match up our photos.
Read them all up or should I say, sing it loud?
“Don’t criticize what you can’t understand.” ― Bob Dylan
“Would you destroy Something perfect in order to make it beautiful?” ― Gerard Way
“We’re reaching for death
on the end of a candle
We’re trying for something
that’s already found us”
― Jim Morrison
“No matter how close, you are always too far. My eyes are drawn everywhere you are…” ― Cora Carmack, Losing It
“You have every right to a beautiful life.” ― Selena Gomez
“Love me or hate me, i swear it won’t make or break me.” ― Lil Wayne
“Time made me stronger, you’re no longer on my mind” ― Boyz II Men
“..bright eyes and subtle variations of blue…” ― Owl City
“And I’m a bad boy ’cause I don’t even miss her. I’m a bad boy for breakin her heart”
― Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
“They say good things come to those who wait, so imma be at least an hour late.” —Kanye West, “Start It Up”
“Cheers to the freakin’ weekend.” —Rihanna, “Cheers”
“This is out house. This is our rules.” —Miley Cyrus, “We Can’t Stop”
“Here’s a toast to me real friends.” —Taylor Swift, “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”
“Hair blowing in the wind, losing track of time, just you and I.” — Demi Lovato, “Made in the USA”
“I said, ‘Excuse me, you’re a hell of a guy.'” —Nicki Minaj, “Super Bass”
“And I love you like Kanye love Kanye.” —Kanye West, “I Love Kanye”
“I’m 14 carats. Doing it up like Midas.” —Selena Gomez, “Good For You”
“I ain’t got lotta money but I got a lotta style.” —Fifth Harmony, “Top Down”
“I wanna savor, save it for later” —Ariana Grande, “Dangerous Woman”
“All of me loves all of you,” —John Legend, “All of Me”
“No one is as lucky as us. We’re not at the end but, but we’ve already won.” — Paramore “Where the Lines Overlap”s
Paired with someone special and planning to post it on Instagram? We can help you out with that with these amazing romantic captions and quotes.
“Come on up here, darlin’. We could use a little sump’m around here besides the smell of lumber.” – The Notebook
The four most important words in any marriage… “I’ll do the dishes.”
“Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” – Cathy Carlyle
“Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.” – Adrienne Gusoff
Love is like a roller coaster, when it’s all over you throw up!
“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
“To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose is the next best thing.” – William M. Thackeray
“Love is like a lot like a toothache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” — Joan Rivers
“What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.” – Cindy Garner
“Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” – Thomas Dewar
My mind works great wonder 365 days a year, 7 days a week, and 24 hours a day until I met you.
I want to be your sweet good morning, your lovely good night, and your most painful goodbye.
Stop waiting for your prince in a white horse. Go and find him. The poor bastard might be lost, stuck on an island, or something.
“If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools.” – Katherine Mansfield
“Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don’t; men hope women won’t change, but they do.” – Bettina Arndt
Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? – Jean Illsley Clarke
“True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.” – Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“I’m now making a Jewish porno film. Ten percent sex, 90 percent guilt.” – Henny Youngman
“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” – Hussein Nishah
“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” – Erich Segal
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
“The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.” – Coleridge
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.
“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” – David Sedaris
We all need to be sarcastic sometimes. Not to add fuel to fire but just to share our thoughts on a very straight forward manner. Don’t miss these sarcastic captions to pair with your Instagram post.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.
If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.
I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
Find your patience before I lose mine.
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.
My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.
I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.
I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.
That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.
No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.
Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.
Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.
Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?
If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.
You always do me a favor, when you shut up!
Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
Tell me how I have upset you because I want to know how to do it again.
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!
If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
You sound better with your mouth closed.
I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
Out of a hundred selfies, only a few photos will pass to be put on Instagram. So make it worthy. Choose among these selfie quotes and rock that selfie!
I know that looks aren’t everything, but I have them just in case.
This girl is on fire! No really, my muscles are burning from all the exercising I did.
I took 37 of this pic before I finally got it right.
Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane.
“Time to witness the handsome!” – Lancelot (Mobile Legends)
Fresher than you.
I am not taking a selfie, I am just checking my camera quality.
A selfie a day keeps the doctor away.
Every 60 seconds, there’s a bitch posting a positive message that she doesn’t live by.
Be picky with your men as you are with your selfies.
If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.
Confidence Level: Selfie with no filter.
The cat made me do it, I swear!
I don’t always surf the internet, but when I do, eyebrows!
Too bad you can’t take selfies of your character.
After gossiping about me, please pray for me. I want to be perfect just like you.
Don’t trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar.
I haven’t posted a selfie in a while but I still am very cute just to keep you updated.
Be the EXTRA in extraordinary.
Hating me doesn’t make you pretty.
If I was funny, I’d have a better Instagram caption for this.
I am not taking a selfie, I am just checking my camera quality.
Please don’t download my Selfie, you may fall in love with me.
We’re all born a little crazy, some of us just choose to stay that way.
Me doing me.
I have no selfie control.
I’m a model… Well… an Instagram model. Same thing right?
I may be down to earth but I’m still above you.
12. Words of Wisdom
They say our life is short to make personal mistakes, that is why we learn from others. Catch wonderful and inspiring words of wisdom here.
“The only time I feel light-hearted is when I’m on a plane at 33,000 feet.” – Robert Rivers
“A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.” – Charles Gordy
“I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.” – Maya Angelou
“Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.” – Charles M. Schulz
“If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.” -Confucius
“A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.” – Charles Gordy
“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers
“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” – Gandhi
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” – Solomon Schechter
“The truth can be funny but it’s not funny to cover up the truth. Ryan Cooper, Difficult PeopleThe truth can be funny but it’s not funny to cover up the truth.” – Ryan Cooper, Difficult People
“If you reach for a star, you might not get one. But you won’t come up with a hand full of mud either.” – Leo Burnett
“Women are like teabags. We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water!” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“My father taught me a good lesson: Don’t get too low when things go wrong. And don’t get too high when things are good.” – Robert Perish
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.” – George Burns
“People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.” – Benjamin Franklin
“You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.” – Joel Osteen
“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s needs, but not every man’s greed.” – Gandhi
“You can practice shooting 8 hours a day, but if your technique is wrong, then all you become is very good at shooting the wrong way.” – Michael Jordan
“Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” – Paulo Coelho
“Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.” – Bill Gates
“Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless: peacocks and lilies for instance.” – John Ruskin
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” – Albert Einstein
“Happen to things, don’t let things happen to you.” – Stephen Covey
“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.” – Thomas Sowell
“The reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have come.” – Nicky Gumbel
“An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.” – Laurence J. Peter
“Build on what makes you different from your competition. . . You need to be the red tree in the forest.” – Nick Maley
“It is difficult, but not impossible, to conduct strictly honest business.” – Mahatma Gandhi
“Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.” – Ray Kroc
“There are two sources of unhappiness in life. One is not getting what you want and the other is getting it.” – Cassey Stolrich
“If the grass is greener on the other side it’s probably getting better care.” – Earl Nightingale
“The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.” – Madeleine L’Engle
“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” – Maya Angelou
“I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.” – Winston Churchill
“Chairs were created because someone, somewhere, wanted to solve a big problem: sitting on rocks causes sore bottoms.” – Bill Burnett
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” – Mother Teresa
“Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.” – Will Rogers
“If a man empties his purse into his head, no one can take it from him. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Are you green and growing or ripe and rotting?” -Ray Kroc
Your business is not my business, but here are hilarious business quotes you can use for your Instagram caption.
Success is like being pregnant. Everyone says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you we’re fucked.
“If you are going through hell, keep going. Why would you stop in hell?” – Steve Harvey
Sometimes I feel like giving up then I realize I have a lot of motherfuckers to prove wrong.
No girl will choose six-pack over six cars so stop going to the gym and go to work.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.
Smart motherfuckers know when to play stupid in front of people.
Not giving a fuck is better than revenge.
Ignore your failures like how your crush ignores you.
Maybe I was born a loser but I will die a fucking legend.
There’s a guy at my office that we all make fun of because he’s clueless. Today I found out it’s me.
We need to draw the line on unethical behavior. But let’s draw it with an Etch-a-Sketch and don’t be afraid to shake it a little.
When people asked, “what do you do”? Answer: “What Ever it takes”.
No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears”. – Penelope Fletcher
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
I heard you’re a player. Nice to meet you, I’m the coach.
Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
I’m returning your nose dear, I found it in my business.
The problem with a rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
Good Morning! Drink water and mind your business today.
I have to be successful because I like expensive things.
Think of how stupid the average person is. And realize half of them are stupider than that.
We don’t have a company health plan but we do have a secretary in accounting who claims to be a faith healer.
The plan is to market our original product as a new product that’s as good as the original.
I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything.
“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” – Margaret Thatcher
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” – George Bernard Shaw
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week.” – H. Jackson Brown
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – Winnie the Pooh
For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin
“If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” – Elvis Presley
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright
“We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.” – Milton Berle
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“Those proud of keeping an orderly desk never know the thrill of finding something that they thought irretrievably lost.” – Helen Exley
“I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway.” – Warren Buffett
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
“A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it.” – William Feather
“Nobody has tried to swallow us since I’ve been here. I think they are afraid how we would taste.” – Steve Jobs
If we learn from our mistakes, shouldn’t I try to make as many mistakes as possible?
Remember the secret of selling is ‘sincerity’ – once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
During an interview:
– Why did you leave your last job?
– The company relocated and didn’t tell me where…
He gave a great 10-minute business speech yesterday. The only problem was it took him an hour to deliver it.
My boss asked me to roundup 17 employees pronto. So I said, “20.”
I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
Anything that could possibly go wrong often does – as well as a thing or two that couldn’t possibly.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.
The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
‘You all worked really hard this year, I’m giving you all a check for $2,000. If you work the same next year, I’ll sign them’.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing it’s actually Tuesday.
‘What’s your biggest weakness?’
‘I’m really honest’
‘That’s not necessarily a bad thing, you know’
‘I don’t really care what you think’
I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of an emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.
I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the 8-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
If at first, you don’t succeed, redefine success.
My biggest professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor but me.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except for the vending machine.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Weddings are always lovely. Whether it’s our friend’s or loved-one’s wedding, weddings always bring joy. Match your wonderful wedding photos with these lovely wedding quotes.
“When we got married, I told my wife ‘If you leave me, I’m going with you.’ And she never did.” — James Fineous McBride
Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After ten years you need a club and a spade.
Note: The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
“After the chills and fever of love, how nice is the 98.6° of marriage.” — Mignon McLaughlin
How to please a woman: Love her. Die for her. Take her to dinner. Miss the game for her. Buy her jewelry. Be interested in what she has to say.
How to please a man: Show up naked. Bring beer.
I’d never been unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
The relationship between husband and wife is very psychological. One is Psycho and the other is logical. Now please don’t try to figure out who is who.
My husband would take a bullet for me but he’d criticize the way I drove him to the hospital afterward.
90% of being married is just shouting “what” from other rooms.
Math made simple. If you have $20 and your wife has $5, she has $25.
Husbands are the best people to share a secret with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.
Hi Honey, I’m just calling to let you know I did nothing today. Nope, not even dinner. Ok, byeee!
“I think I’m getting sick.” The most dreaded words a wife can hear from her husband.
Wife: You told me you’d spend your whole life trying to make me happy.
Husband: I didn’t expect to live this long.
A man yells t his wife:
“Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery.” “Oh wonderful!”, she says. “Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?”. The husband replies, “I don’t care, just get out!”
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” – Barbara Streisand
Marriage is about finding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Married Sexting: I’m not wearing any underwear because you didn’t put the fucking laundry in the dryer as I asked you to 100 times.
My husband asked me to whisper dirty things in his ear, so I whispered: “Kitchen, bathroom, living room.”
Daughter: What is marriage?
Mom: Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore.
Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you’d miss them.
I know you’re a man so you have to do the whole “It’s nothing,” thing… but I really wish you’d share your feelings so I could invalidate them.
I love chatting about how much we hate everything.
I love you so much. Except when you snore and then I just want to punch you in the face.
My hubby may wear the pants in our family but I control the zipper.
“In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.” – Woody Allen
Marriage consists of a person who remembers everything and a person who doesn’t remember anything at all.
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
You call it “nagging”. I call it, “Listen to what I fucking said the first time.”
A drunken man was dreaming that he died and reincarnated on earth as a chicken. Then he became heavy and tried to lay an egg. He pushed and pushed and laid the 1st egg, then the 2nd. When he was pushing to lay the 3rd egg when his wife screamed, “James, you’re shitting on the bed.”
The four most important words in any marriage, “I’ll do the dishes.”
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me.
Newspaper Ad. For Sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting married. My wife knows everything. $200 or best offer!
Marriage is like a good cardio workout. If it’s never challenging, you’re probably not doing it right.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
“You know… there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time – husband.” – Bill Maher
That moment when you have to leave the clothes you just bought in the trunk of the car because your husband is home.
Been married 20 years, but I still carry my wife’s picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that… if I survived being married to this psycho, I can survive anything.
Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won’t eat all of yours.
“My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michael de Montaigne
Don’t marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son exactly like him.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.
Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
If at first you don’t succeed… try doing it the way your wife told you.
When I said I do, I didn’t mean laundry.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices, you are one of them.
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
We just promise to put up with each other’s annoying habits forever.
Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh, I put up with you, too. So we’re even.
Marriage is finding the person who puts up with your shit, admires your weird little ways, and still says they love you at the end of the day.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
The wife says to her husband, “You wanna change positions tonight?” He says, “Yeah!”. She says, “Okay, you do the dishes, and I will sit on the couch and fart.”
The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.
“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.” – Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.” – Joyce Brothers
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft
Two Golden Rules to a Happy Marriage:
1. The wife is always right.
2. When you feel she is wrong, slap yourself and read rule number 1 again.
If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married.
Marriage is 5% love, 5% compromise, and 90% knowing when you’ve already lost an argument and just folding the laundry for once, Ted.
1st year of marriage: “I love waking up next to you.”
10th year of marriage: “Next time you’re snoring keeps me up all night. I’ll smother you with this pillow.”
Listening to a wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. You understand nothing, but still, you say: “I agree.”
My friends are all getting married. I’m getting drunk.
You know she is your best friend when she helps you plan your non-existent wedding.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked.” – Leann Rimes
I’m so excited to go into debt for your wedding.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
Ask me again how wedding planning is going, I will beat you to death with my guest list.
I discovered I’m actually planning two weddings – the one inspired by Pinterest and the one I can actually afford.
Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.
Congrats! You found someone as weird as you!
I’m not bossy. I’m the bride.
May you always have love in your hearts and beer in your belly.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. That tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Marriage is basically just whispering, “Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.”
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Webster’s dictionary defines wedding as “the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.” – Michael Scott
Marriage is where one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
Husbands are like wine. They take a long time to mature.
Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.
“Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.” – Gary Busey
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Emma Bombeck
Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurrasic Park.
“For a long and happy marriage, my advice to the groom is to always say, “okay, buy it!”
Giving men marriage tips is a little like offering Vikings a free booklet titled ‘How not to Pillage’.
“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” – Joey Adams
I am so romantic sometimes, I think I should marry myself.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
My husband thinks I am (just a little bit) crazy. But I am not the one who married me.
On our anniversary, I want you to know how much I’ve enjoyed annoying you all this time and how excited I am to keep doing so in the future.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip“
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.” – Benjamin Disraeli
“Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.” – Samuel Johnson
“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.” – Woody Allen
Let’s talk about money. Find more captions and quotes about money on this category.
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” – Morton Shulman
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” – Willie Sutton
” I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.” – Joe Louis
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it.” – William Somerset Maugham
“The funny thing is, the people who work really hard, they work really hard so they can sit on their ass – they just want to sit on their ass in nicer surroundings.” – Karl Pilkington
“Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.” – Ambrose Bierce
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“The more money you make the more problems you get.” – Christopher George Latore Wallace
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.” – Malcolm Forbes
You owe me money, but yes, please tell me all about your fabulously expensive weekend.
“I love money. And everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Thanks for not paying me back the money you owe me. Sure I want my money back but I would have paid more to prove what a scumbag you are.
Your drama does not pay my bills therefore it is not worth my time.
I have let some blind guy borrow money the other day. He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he’ll see me.
Why don’t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than I was 7.
I have to be successful because I love expensive shit.
Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your money or life, wives wants both.
Money laundering? I wouldn’t even know what soap to use.
You’ll lose a lot of money chasing women but you’ll never lose women chasing money.
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. He’s dreaming too.
What part of “I need to save money” don’t I understand?
Lord, please give me patience because if you give me strength, I’ll need bail money too.
I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spreads less than my life.
Need a friend? Text me. Need a laugh? Call me. Need money? This number is no longer in service.
I got 99 problems and money could solve at least 93 of them
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.
I have everything in my purse you could possibly imagine except money.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t bring happiness, transfer it over to my account.
I’m having an out-of-money experience.
When I was a baby, an evil fairy cursed me with expensive taste and no money.
I’m just going to relax and enjoy a quiet evening at home. Mainly because I can’t afford to go anywhere or do anything.
They say money talks but mine just waves goodbye.
I hate money. But I love counting money.
Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.
The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money.
I work only for money. If you want loyalty, hire a dog.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
Do you want to make money from Facebook? It’s easy. Just go to your Account Setting, Deactivate your account, and go to work.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me from me.
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale.” – Zig Ziglar
It’s not easy to save money when you have a fat girl’s appetite and a rich person’s shopping mentality.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me from me.
“If you wish to get rich, save what you get. A fool can earn money, but it takes a wise man to save and dispose of it to his own advantage.” – Brigham Young
I’m stuck between ‘I need to save money’ and ‘You only live once.’
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
I’m a Nillionaire. I have little to no money.
Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say “I know it’s hard, but you’ll be okay. Here are a coffee and a million dollars.”
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
I don’t understand people who say “I don’t know how to thank you.” Like they never heard of money.
We owe our lives to our parents that is why it’s always good to give back as much as we can. Make them feel loved and share those photos with them and get a wonderful caption below.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck
“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” – Bill Cosby
“My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.” – Calvin Trillin
“Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your kids.” – Sam Levenson
“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says keep away from children.” – Susan Savannah
“If you want a baby, have a new one. Don’t baby the old one.” – Jessamyn West
I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?” – Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too.” – Lionel Kauffman
“Don’t be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It’s the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.” – Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job
“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.” – Bill Cosby
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.” – Raymond Duncan
One day I’ll be thankful that my kid is strong-willed. But that will not be today. Not in this grocery store.
Somewhere along the way, I became a person who answers, “Yes” to the question, “Can I just put my dirty tissue in your pocket?
You know you’ve grown a lot as a parent when you watch your kid lick something in public and think, “Eh. He’s licked worse.”
Based on the amount of laundry, I’m going to assume that there are people living here I’ve never seen.
Based on the amount of laundry, I’m going to assume that there are people living here I’ve never seen.
They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.
Every time I say “no”, my kids hears, “ask again, she didn’t understand the question.”
Wake up extra early so that you and your kids can still be 20 minutes late wherever you go.
When your “Mom Voice” is so loud that even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.
My kids were all having fun and getting along, and that was the greatest 2 1/2 minutes of the entire summer.
Before kids: Why are they called “throw pillows”?
After kids: Oh.
And then I thought to myself, “What’s the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?”
Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms. In Target. Hiding from their children.
It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.
I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is “Please forget.”
“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano
I used to have functioning brain cells but I traded them in for children.
I couldn’t afford to take kids to the sea world so I took them to the fish market and said, ” Shh… They’re sleeping.”
Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.
When my parents are asleep.
Me: Shh… They’re sleeping.
Parents: Let’s vacuum the house for 3 hours.
Monopolize: to strategically lose a board game against an unsportsmanlike child.
Parents: We need to talk.
Me: (Million things run through my mind. What did they find out about?”
Parents: Stop leaving the lights on.
When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Respect your parents. They passed school without Google.
“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.” – Erma Bombeck
When I was little, I didn’t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious that my parents didn’t care either.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I hate when my parents never let me go anywhere and then ask me why I’m always on the computer.
It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Some days my kids can do no wrong. Other days I understand why some animals eat their young.
1985 Parents: Punishes child by making them stay inside instead of playing outdoors. 2017 Parents: Punishes child by making them go outside with no WiFi.
My children have my husband’s eyes. They can’t see what’s right in front of them either.
There’s nothing more frustrating than dealing with a miniature version of yourself with the same shit-ass attitude.
90% of parenting is about when you can lie down again.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s told it’s time for bed.
The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.” – Amy Vanderbilt
17. Instagram Bio
Not only did we collected funny Instagram captions, but we also included bios you can put on your profile. There’s more below.
People call me Sara but you can call me tonight 😉
When life throws a rock at you, throw back a brick.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I’m like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
God is really creative. I mean, just look at me.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
I named my iPod “Titanic.” It’s syncing now.
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
I’m on Instagram, like you!
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
There will be no adulting today.
What did one snowman say to the other one? “Do you smell carrots?”
After Monday and Tuesday, every calendar says WTF.
Living vicariously through myself.
I’d tell a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
Life happens. Coffee helps.
I’m a glowstick – I had to break before I could shine.
My autobiography is this mess of pics.
I can’t remember who I stole my bio from or why.
No one’s life is as perfect as their Instagram feed
I wanna be different just like everyone else.
Life is short so I’m smiling while I’ve still got all my teeth.
I’m here to avoid friends on Facebook.
Instagram bio currently loading
Relationship status: Netflix and ice cream.
My hobbies are breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
One of the few people on Instagram who doesn’t claim to be a social media guru.
We are born naked, hungry, and wet. Then things just get worse.
I still don’t understand Instagram, but here I am anyway.
My relationship status? Netflix, Oreos, and sweatpants.
I hope one day I will love something the way women in commercials love yogurt.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
Be a pineapple: Stand up straight, wear a crown, and always be sweet on the inside.
I always prefer my puns to be intended.
Life is too short to wear boring undies.
Being a fruit loop in a bowl of cheerios.
We’re all just molecules.
A caffeine-dependent life-form.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Here to serve… The cat overlord.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.
Life is short… smile while you still have teeth.
I’m starting to like Instagram, which is weird because I hate pictures.
I woke up and… posted this.
The hardest thing I ever tried is being normal.
Words cannot express my love and passion for Fridays. The photos might help.
A preview of my life. This is not the whole movie. P.S.: if you wanna get behind the scenes just head to my stories.
Recovering from donuts addiction.
Chocolate never asks me any questions, chocolate understands me.
“Be strong,” I whisper to my WiFi signal.
Here are 676 Funny Instagram captions we have compiled and list for you. We hope this has helped you find the perfect caption for your Instagam photos.
If you have ideas or captions you would like to share, we would be more than happy to hear from you. share them on the comment section below.
Find more quotes and status you can use on these articles: